I have been reading C.S.Lewis’ book A Grief Observed. This is a wonderful book of compiled essays written after his wife died. In one of the essays he talks about the “laziness of grief” the way that the grief or in my case depression overwhelms me and makes everything seem useless and therefore I do nothing. This of course only lasts so long and then I have to clean the house and organize the things around me. While I am there I find that the lack of movement makes me more depressed.
I have found myself lately to be in the “coming away from that feeling” part of the cycle. I have found that I have surrounded myself with way to much stuff., Of course I look at all the things that are around me and think “I need all of them. I need all of this stuff.” Which is so very untrue. I just think that I do. I remember when I was a teenager and the clutter in my room became too much for me. I would stay up all night cleaning the room. Even vacuuming at 2:00 am to get it finished. Then it was finished and I would fall into bed happy. When I woke up the next morning the room was clean and the whole way that I was experiencing life was different. I felt better. I felt freer.
Spring has finally reached me here in the north. I still have snow. And the darkness of the winter months has changed to the longer days of spring. I am finally feeling free of the oppression I felt over the winter. And as I look around I am seeing the clutter and chaos that collected over the winter. Remembering the feelings of freedom and peace that the lack of clutter brought has inspired me to have that feeling again. No matter how much I am going to ache in the morning I am going on a cleaning spree.
I know that in my room there is a desk. I know this because the papers and books are not really suspended in mid air. Which means that the time really has come and today is that day. The day that I clean out my bedroom of the extra stuff and the extra furniture. (My husband and I have a very small bedroom so this should make a difference.) The only problem is I have to get past that need to hold on to things.This has always been a problem for me because I found while I was growing up that things don’t leave you.People leave or abandon you. So hanging on to stuff at times has been a problem for me. This is one of those coping strategies that no longer really needs to be there. It doesn’t need to be there because I have found that the people who I need to have in my life are in my life and are not leaving. Others have come and gone. But the important ones are still here.
Ultimately that seems to be the deciding factor to whether stuff stays or goes. Whether I feel as though without it I would be lost without it is a big factor. Today I feel strong and I think I will be able to let go of stuff. Reading about other people clearing the extra stuff out of their lives has been inspirational.
Therefore, much to the annoyance of my children, today has been dubbed “Clean your room” day. I shall do that myself. And perhaps I will find that those books and papers have been magically levitating all along.