These have been dark days. Depression, which usually lies as an underthought to my day, has begun controlling things again. I seem to spend more time hiding in bed because my heart hurts. My heart hurts because I am triggering my body into self-protection mode, much like what it went into right before I got … Continue reading Depression and the Art of Listening to Myself
Stress
Hiding in Plain Sight
Whenever I go to the doctor's office, the first thing they ask is for me to get on the scale. They type the numbers into their computer. Then we go down the hallway to the office. The nurse takes my blood pressure, which is fine, thank you. My pulse, due to my medication is always … Continue reading Hiding in Plain Sight
How I move through the world
Lately, I have had to look at myself very closely. I have had to examine what I can do and what I struggle to do. I have had to examine how I move through the world. I have created a myriad of coping strategies that help me to move through the world and feel safe. … Continue reading How I move through the world
Is it fear of failure or success?
Several weeks ago I wrote about not being broken. And I really do believe that we, I, am not broken. In my head, I genuinely think this. In my heart, I struggle every day. I know that I am growing and learning about how to move beyond the trauma, but I am also still struggling … Continue reading Is it fear of failure or success?
“That is not your story”
I was told by my daughter today that people who are not depressed tend to be proactive. "I'm proactive," I said. "Everyday I make plans and come up with strategies on how to get out of bed and accomplish things, like making it through the day." "That's not proactive, that's survival," she said. "That's stupid," … Continue reading “That is not your story”
Breathing Through Fear
Fear can become so intense that I feel there is nowhere in my body that is safe. It is a feeling that crawls at my skin from the inside. Then, just as suddenly as the fear arrived, it goes away. If it doesn’t go away it at least dissipates to a point of bearability. This … Continue reading Breathing Through Fear
Showing Up
Fear and Longing are very powerful forces. They tell us that we can't do something while at the same time telling us that we are lost without it. Social experiences for me are often like this. I have an intense fear of doing social things and at the same time, I have an overwhelming need to be … Continue reading Showing Up
Not Broken
I am not broken. I may be a little dented and scared, but I am not broken. I think that there are a lot of people who think that their anxiety and depression makes them broken. I have thought that I was broken. I have let myself fall into a place where I felt broken. … Continue reading Not Broken
Stress is sneaky
Stress is sneaky.I go through the day and think that I am doing great. I walk out the door at my internship and get in my car, start the engine and begin the drive home. After about ten minutes there starts a buzzy feeling in my brain and I start to feel the stress that … Continue reading Stress is sneaky
Deciding not to hide
Usually what happens when I am severely stressed is that I go to ground. I block out the world and go into preservation mode. This means that I do only what is necessary to sustain my life and those around me. I cook meals, make sure everyone is fed and cared for. That is it. … Continue reading Deciding not to hide
andthenislept 