The Strugle of Worth

I started re-reading The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown. The first time I read the book, I only made it about halfway and hated it. The more I read, the angrier I felt. I couldn’t understand what was so special. I was doing just fine; thank you very much.

Here we are several years into the future, and I finally understand why it was so hard to read. I have struggled to feel worthy of being loved throughout life. While growing up, I learned that I was not worthy of being loved by how I interacted with my parents. Being raised in an abusive atmosphere did not equip me with an ability to feel worthy. 

Am I worthy of love? Yes, I am most definitely worthy of being loved by others as well as myself. Do I feel worthy? No, I am still working on learning how to love and appreciate myself. 

This week has been a tough week of reading. I have paced myself and only read for short periods. I read until I feel I have absorbed all I can without imploding. There have been some dark times as reading brings up feelings or examples of when I was told I was not worthy of being loved. Connecting those feelings and understanding how inaccurate they are has been difficult. 

Usually, when I read a book, it is hard to tell that I have read it. When I was first married and moved all my books onto the shelves, my husband commented about when I would read all those books. I told him that I had read them all. He said they looked brand new. His, however, all looked like they had been through a fight. This time when I started reading Imperfections, I came equipped with a highlighter and a pen to take notes. My book is beginning to look like a well-decorated map. And I guess a map is precisely what it is.

I have filled my journal with thoughts about the struggle for feeling worthy. As I write in my journal, I am finding that my feelings of worth are the base I have built all my insecurities about my life, my talents, and abilities. Imperfections may take me a while to read and understand how my feelings of worth relate to my life and how I feel about where I am in my life.

Growth is a never-ending process. I wish that growing pains didn’t hurt so much.

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