In February I started to have a difficult time. I say that what it was was a small breakdown. It probably was just that, a small breakdown. I realized that there parts of me that I had abandoned and cast aside because someone said something to me that, in essence, said I was wrong. Whether it was something I was doing or something I said, it was wrong, and I felt like I needed to get rid of it.
As a child I was told I was too loud. When I learned to be quiet, I was told I was too quiet and to speak up. It wasn’t always said that nicely. I also took all the unkind or backhanded compliments and made them a part of me. To begin with, I think that I did it out of self-preservation. If there is something offensive about me and I got rid of it, then my parents or teachers wouldn’t be angry with me. Anger was one of those emotions that precipitated pain.
As I got older I stopped doing some of the things that I found joy in because of negative things people said. I don’t draw anymore, and I struggle with doing creative things. I started to act and think that if I didn’t do the things that come naturally to me, things that are bold and bright, I would be less obvious and also less of a target. All these things that I have stripped from me created a great sense of loss.
I talked with a friend about what I was experiencing his reply helped me to put things into perspective. He said, “Oh wow, is it okay if I say that I feel excited to learn that you’re in this state of depression, identity crisis, and inner work?” this got me thinking about how the work that I was now beginning was, though hard, a forward motion. He mentioned a book that he felt would help. When I began to read the book, I felt like the author had been reading my journal entries and was talking directly to me.
It is a hard road to learn to grieve and forgive. I had a lot of anxiety and depression. I just keep telling myself that this is all forward motion. The more work I do, the more I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. And I know that that light is not an oncoming train.
To the person in Japan that has been checking in on a regular basis, Thank you. You inspire me to keep coming back to write. Thanks for being there.
The book that was reccomended to me was: