This morning I went on line and went to the regular sites that I visit. One of my favorites is findyourmiddleground.com. This morning it was about listening to yourself and be present with yourself. The question that was asked was: What is alive in me right now? So I sat quietly, unclenched my jaw and did a shoulder roll or two and then listened. And the response I got back was “FEAR”.
I have been trying to do a lot of things lately. I have been actively searching for internships, doing school work (sometimes the learning opens up stuff I would rather not) and all the other things that I need to do. But as I sat there listening to my inner needs the thing that came up was the fear. I spent several years hiding at home. Terrified, well maybe not terrified, to go out and be around people. I would go to certain locations that I felt safe in and that was about it. I tried to do very little outside of my home. I read, sewed, and baked. That was about it. Oh, and raised my children.
Now I have ventured into the world. I don’t experience the same triggers that I used to experience on a regular basis. That actually happens much less now than it did before. I also have an amazing set of coping strategies that get me through most situations. But I have felt this fear coming and have noticed that I am using certain coping strategies to get through the day that are generally reserved for very high intense situations, not daily living.
I know that going back into my shell is not an option nor is it one I want to flirt with right now. I do think that acknowledging that I am struggling with a new level of interaction and treating myself gently is important. So today I will take advantage of this knowledge and try to see what I can do to treat the fear with respect and to also find ways to reassure myself that all is safe in my world. Ice Cream for breakfast seems completely appropriate.