This morning I went on line and went to the regular sites that I visit. One of my favorites is findyourmiddleground.com. This morning it was about listening to yourself and be present with yourself. The question that was asked was: What is alive in me right now? So I sat quietly, unclenched my jaw and did a shoulder roll or two and then listened. And the response I got back was “FEAR”.
I have been trying to do a lot of things lately. I have been actively searching for internships, doing school work (sometimes the learning opens up stuff I would rather not) and all the other things that I need to do. But as I sat there listening to my inner needs the thing that came up was the fear. I spent several years hiding at home. Terrified, well maybe not terrified, to go out and be around people. I would go to certain locations that I felt safe in and that was about it. I tried to do very little outside of my home. I read, sewed, and baked. That was about it. Oh, and raised my children.
Now I have ventured into the world. I don’t experience the same triggers that I used to experience on a regular basis. That actually happens much less now than it did before. I also have an amazing set of coping strategies that get me through most situations. But I have felt this fear coming and have noticed that I am using certain coping strategies to get through the day that are generally reserved for very high intense situations, not daily living.
I know that going back into my shell is not an option nor is it one I want to flirt with right now. I do think that acknowledging that I am struggling with a new level of interaction and treating myself gently is important. So today I will take advantage of this knowledge and try to see what I can do to treat the fear with respect and to also find ways to reassure myself that all is safe in my world. Ice Cream for breakfast seems completely appropriate.
For so long I saw being afraid as a weakness, but it is not. Being afraid has kept me alive and I am grateful for that fear. I have begun to accept it and understand that it can be a tool. When I feel the fear, I try to be more kind to myself. You have helped me so much with this and I thank you.
You are very welcome. I am it helped.