One of the things that I have found out about myself over the years is that I bought the lie. What I mean is that I heard over and over again from my abuser that I was not good enough. That I was of little value. And I bought that lie hook line and sinker. The most important part of what I just said is that it was in fact a lie.
I can trace most of my anxiety and fears to that lie. That I am not good enough and therefore not worthy of good things. It has taken me a long time but I have finally figured out that I am so very much worthy of every good thing. Not only that, but I am more than capable of doing just about anything. (I am saying this as though it is a fact. But this is something I am working on everyday, all day.) I have anxiety attacks that could register on a Richter scale about this. I cannot even begin to count how many times it takes me to do something just because I am afraid that I am not good enough.
I now have within my hands a time tested (last few months, by me) weapon against the panic, anxiety, and apathy that stops me in my tracks. It is gratitude. After watching TED talks and reading Brene Brown’s words on gratitude I have begun to embrace it. When I feel overwhelmed by the panic and the anxiety I stop and look at what I have accomplished. Then I am grateful for those accomplishments those steps toward success. Following that I am grateful for the other things that I have in my life. Then I am grateful for the opportunity or whatever it is that is before me. And I think about the gratitude that I have and all the great blessings and opportunities that are in my life until I have peace.
This has also involved being grateful for the times I have failed or not lived up to my own expectations. Allowing myself to fail and then being grateful for what I have learned from that experience. This has not been nor is it easy for me. I struggle daily with feelings of self-worth. But, I have also found that I am not alone. And that helps me more than anything else. I am not alone in feeling as though I cannot do something, that I have no business trying, and that I will likely fail. The thing is that at least 7 out of 10 times I do make it work. And that can be 100% if I think about the failures as learning experiences and not failures.
All this is a work in progress for me. Something that will more than likely always be a work in progress. And I am OK with that. Writing a blog was one of those things I put off forever. What if no one reads it? What if I say the wrong thing? What if …. And yet I am writing. I am writing about things that I am learning about in how to heal myself. And I am putting it out there right or wrong. And I am grateful for the opportunity to do that one thing.
Being in a frame of mind of gratitude has not kept the anxiety away all the time. Because I have to actually think about gratitude. But the gratitude helps to put it into perspective the times when I am panicking. And this enables me to find something good to not be panicking about at that moment. It gives me just the window of opportunity I need to climb back from the edge and do something amazing. Something that is amazing because I could not have done it two minutes before. And I am grateful for that.
Look on TED.com for talks about gratitude,and other people that are overcoming obstacles in their paths.