Today I caved. I gave into the anxiety that I can usually keep under control. I really wanted to go with some friends today to Boston. It is a three hour drive four and a four hour drive back. The drive is beyond my comfort zone. I can handle the two hour drive that I usually undertake when I want to go to a city but four is really outside my comfort zone.
I don’t really remember when driving became such an issue for me. But it is an issue. The thought of going on a long drive starts a small anxiety. then over a few days it builds. If I can somehow manage to muscle my way through the drive to the destination the drive back kills me. Then it takes days to get over it. I think that it really depends on where I am psychologically at the time. And right now I am very overwhelmed.
My son tried to talk me into going. Using all the regular arguments to get past my anxiety and fear. But that did not work. I then pointed out to him that I actually do have large issues with panic and anxiety. His response was that he forgets that. Which makes me feel better that I am not always seeming like a basket case. And I do try to muscle my way through things with the hope that the more I do it the easier it will be. But in this case it was not working. I was building into that blind panic that makes you feel like if you move you will die.
So, today I am still at home and my friends have gone off with out me. This has become my new goal: To get past this anxiety. I know I can. I know the cause of it. This is going to just take time. And hard work. And a lot of patience. But I am fairly certain I can do this. I just need a plan.