Christmas is not an easy time for me. I try hard to make it a good time. In the past I have struggled to not spend all my time wishing it was Jan.2. This year I have tried very hard to keep that feeling at bay. I have all my shopping done. Thank you Amazon. I have made inroads into the cookie baking. I am enjoying the Christmas music. I have so far not had a meltdown.

It all started a long time ago when I was 5. And now many years later I have finally figured out what the problem is. Other than the trauma that started it all. I have been trying to have the perfect Christmas. The one I wanted all my life.

When I was 12 i had a large piece of cardboard. I decorated it to look like a fireplace. I put it up in my room. I then turned a children’s outside bench into my couch and put a trunk in front of it to make a coffee table. I wanted a small version of Christmas that was all mine.  Something that I had control of. Feelings of lack of control is something I always battle. This was my Christmas.

Now I have many people in my home. My children all want to be a part of the Christmas decorating committee. It is wonderful to see them taking part in the decorating. But I have stopped doing things that I love because I am afraid that I will lose that little bit of control in life that I somehow think I have. I no longer decorate cookies. I once did a series of Fairytale cookies. Snow White and the seven dwarfs, Rapunzel, Goldilocks, the works. I decorated them with icing and very little tools. It was a blast. Now there are so many people wanting to help that I stopped.

I have stopped a lot of things that I should never  have stopped. This year I think I will try to do more things that I love. And enjoy the Christmas season. And if that means watching my favorite movies until it drives my family crazy than so be it. This year I have decided to reclaim a lot of things about myself that I have let go of.

This year I will not let the panic attacks eat my soul (now on day number three of the epic Christmas panic attack), I will enjoy my family, and I will find some peace. And I will finally learn that every Christmas is the perfect Christmas.