I wake up in the morning to a loud house. I have a large family and we make noise. Sometimes i just want to have quiet. I want people to not talk to me. I want to be left alone.
That does not happen unless the house is empty. I had a room that was my personal study space. Where I would do my work for college. All my lovely books were in there. And my desk with a comfy desk chair. Then a comfy chair appeared. I thought the chair appeared because someone loved me and wanted me to be comfortable while I studied. I was wrong. That chair was put there for my children by my children.
I found that with the arrival of the chair came the children. Who would sit and talk to me or just read. Mostly it was to talk to me. To tell me of their lives. Ask questions. And generally be with me. This room was not big. Maybe 7 feet wide and 10′ long. Me, the desk, the big comfy chair, the filling cabinet, and the books took up most of the space. When there were two people it felt a little close. More and it was crowded. Usually there were more. I asked what my chances of actually being left alone to work were. A sober faced teen told me that those odds were slim to none. I might get a few moments but that was about all.
Sometimes it hurt to have people talk to me. It hurt to listen. I just wanted to burrow down deep inside myself and hide there. I did not want light to come into the room. I could have yelled at them to leave me alone. They would have been hurt by this and then I would have felt even worse. So I listened to them. I held them and tried to help them. I reached outside of myself. It was insanely painful and hard. It still is when I feel that way. But being there for someone and letting them into your heart helps you reach out of yourself.
Sometimes the pain from past trauma can try to reach out and throttle you. Pain inflicted on you from others can so often reappear and try to reassert itself as the dominant part of your life. When we let it become the dominant part of our lives, when that is the only story we have, we start to lose the good things that we possess. We begin to listen to the stories of how unworthy of everything we are. But in truth, that is a huge lie! We are amazing and brilliant people. We have all that we need to overcome what we have endured. We need to remember our importance.
The point of the story of my study space is that to my children I am important. I am valued and they love me. And the thing is that everyone is valued by someone. We don’t always see it or realize it. And sometimes we need to be the ones to reach out and recognize them. Or we just need to reach out. When I am in the dark part of depression I don’t want people to talk to me. I don’t want people to be with me. That is what I say not necessarily what I truly feel.
But when someone is with me. Does hold me. Does talk to me I feel lighter. The darkness does not always get to eat away at my heart. At this time of year when depression starts to weigh so heavily on me that I feel as though I am drowning, I reach out. I call someone. Make cookies for someone. I go to the library and just be around people.
So the moral of this is. Do not turn down an invitation to be with someone. If you don’t want to go for a walk that is okay. Maybe tell then that you want to just talk. Or just not be alone. But reach out beyond the dark places. It just takes a little momentum to start an avalanche. One pebbles just needs to move.
2 thoughts on “Reaching”
So many times I don’t want to be around people. Sometimes I escape into my room. But many times one of my children will find me and want to talk, to tell me of their problems or ask advice. You’re right, at those times when I think I want to be alone, they lighten my heart by being with me and needing me.
Sometimes I have to force myself out into the world. But it is so very worth it.