Waking Up

For so very many years I felt like I was sleepwalking through my life. I experienced things but it was as though I was doing so from under water. You see the things that are going on but everything feels muddled. You can’t actually hear what is going on around you but you know that there are people talking to you. You move through the day feeling as though you are dragging your legs through the sand, making so little headway. And then one day you wake up.

Not all at once. But in bits and pieces. Slowly you begin t see that the sun is still shinning and it is as warm as you remembered. I remember waking up. I remember the day i decided that things were going to change. I told my therapist that as of June 1st great things were going to happen and big changes were going to take place. This was in March. It gave me some time to get things in order. It was probably the most terrifying thing I have ever done. I enrolled in college.

I had been to college before. After I finished High School I went for almost four years. But I never really accomplished anything. I went through the motions. I went to class and did the work. But as time passed I stopped going to class and stopped doing the work. I was falling even deeper asleep. I had bouts of wakefulness but not really awake. You know you have finally woken up when you realize so much time has passed.

Back to waking up. I enrolled in college and started moving through. I met some amazing people. Some who were very accepting and others judged without knowing me. But I kept moving and finally graduated with my BA in Health Arts from Goddard College. And now I am struggling through another program and working towards my Masters degree.

So where am I going with this? I am saying that we all wake up at some point. Maybe not completely. But enough to see what is in the world. I still feel like life moves around me at a different speed.As though I can see that people are talking but I can’t always understand it. But I know that I have survived things that I would never wish on anyone and still carry all my scars. But there is always a time when I can look around and feel the sun. Even though sometimes I am still asleep.

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